Throwback Reviews- MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

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These special reviews were written a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, and were my first attempt at “comedy reviews.” They are written in the voice of a older and disgruntled mother.

Pokémon

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Today I am reviewing the show “Pokémon,” which I have been told stands for “Pocket Monsters.” The show revolves around a young man named “Ash Ketchup”. He travels with a nice dark skinned gentleman named “Brock” and an immodestly dressed young hussy named “Misty.” You know good reader, in my day young women dressed in a respectable manner. But here we have this “Misty” glorifying sexuality in television program intended for children. Oh! And if that wasn’t bad enough, the program depicts cute little animals forced to fight one another for sport. And do you think Ash ever calls his mother. NO! Would it really curtail the young man’s career for young Andre-I mean Ash, to pick up the phone and tell his worrying mother where he is. Probably too busy cavorting with that tarty Maggy-I mean Misty.

B-

Dragon Ball Z

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I am going to be honest with you dear reader. At first, I was unenthusiastic about reviewing “Dragon Ball Z.” The animating looked crude and the premise sounded foolish, even for my specialty. This program revolves around a group of karate practitioners, some of whom are aliens, fighting one another for magical orbs. It just seemed like yet another troublemaking program from the orient trying to corrupt our youth through violence. But I have to say, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed watching it. The speed, the action, the theatricality! The scene where Goku is fighting Freeza shirtless….his big arms glistening in the alien sun, his chest heaving with exhaustion…he takes you in his arms and you whisper “I can’t Henry,” and he says “It’s ok,” and he gently moves his hands up your-oh, I’m sorry, I must have lost track of myself.

A

Sailor Moon

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Oh gentle reader, where to begin. I wish I could fully express myself regarding this specific program, but I am a Christian woman. I will not bore you with the premise of the show. All you need to know is that I revolved around five young women who have the ability to transform into what can best be described as a fetishist dream come true. Their skirts are too short, their busts are too large, and their faces are stupid. I sadly know a young woman who obviously took her fashion tips from this program; let’s call her “M”. I’m to give this show the same advice I wish I had given “M” when I first met her last Thanksgiving, “Take you tight jeaned, loosed top, degree in “Micro-Financing” (as if that’s even a word), and get out of my family’s life before a policeman comes by, sees you, and mistakes my home for a brothel!”

F

Digimon: Digital Monsters

Digimon Adventure

Today I am going to review a very special episode of “Digimon: Digital Monsters.” This episode was called “Sons who hate their Mothers.”  The episode revolved around a loving and caring mother whose life was destroyed by her selfish son and his dime-store tramp. All was peaceful in the mother’s world until an evil entity called “Maggymon” defiled her world and her guest bedroom with her Vagina of Evil special attack. Things go from bad to worse when “Andrewmon,” the Ungrateful Son digimon, proposes to “Maggymon” out of some need to break his poor mother’s heart. Further conflict arises when the mother’s wine accidentally escapes her glass and finds its way to Maggymon’s clown-like face. Needless to say, the “Andrewmon” blew the situation way out of proportions, said some hurtful things to the woman who dedicated the best years of her life to raising a mean, mean boy.

A Big Fat C (as in your whore of a girlfriend Andrew!)

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