Tag Archives: sucks

Samurai Showdown: The Motion Picture [Fighting Game Week]

Type: Samurai Showdown, now on Saturday Mornings!

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Synopsis: Hey kids! Don’t forget to check out the latest totally tubalur episode of Samurai Showdown, where the bodacious Haomaru and the 5 Holy Warriors fight against the wickedly uncool Amakusa! It’s be knarly, to the MAX!!!

Pros: Ah…Samurai Showdown is a fun game. Made us all believe again.

Cons: Face Plam. Sigh. Stand Up. Leave. Samurai Showdown is based on the Samurai Showdown fighting game, one of the first fighters to prioritize weapon based battle. The anime takes a decidely original take on the source material. It basically converts the game into a generic cartoon. Haomaru is turned from a drifting bad-ass to earnest and young lead characters, with 5 other characters turned into the standard good guy team. It is comicly far away from the original spirit of the franchise. It’s closest parallels would be the Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat American cartoons. The game’s creators, SNK, had little creative input into the film, and I’m guessing that the anime studio was trying to get a kid friendly series out of this.

Watch it?: What, no!

MVP: Charlotte

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She’s my main, sue me.

Best Moment: Whenever someone says “Holy Warriros” (so, so, so not a thing)

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Blade of the Phantom Master

Type: Wait, the Phantom Master doesn’t use a sword

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Synopsis: Is, is the girl the “Blade?”

Pros: Blade of the Phantom Master is about a spirit summoner (I’m not even going to try to spell his actual title), who travels the land, saving people while insulting them for needing to be rescued. Its like if a Fireman saved you from a burning building, but then called you a moron for getting trapped in a burning building. The movie has two stories, the first being about the Phantom Master Munsu’s travels to a desert kingdom, and then his travels to a island village. After the firs adventure, he us joined by Sando, or Chun, his new bodyguard. And that’s it for positives, because guess what, this movie isn’t very good.

Cons: This movie isn’t very good. The animation is low tier. The action is lazy. The plot was boring. It made me fell bad after watching it.  And the protagonist is thoroughly unlikable. When Munsu is first introduced, he single handedly takes down a corrupt king. As a viewer, this gives you the impression that he Munsu hate corruption, or tyrants, or maybe he fights for the people. Nope. After the desert kingdom scene, Munsu encounters a boy on the beach, pleading for help, to which Munsu responds to by leaving his corpse on the beach. So what we have is a bad looking film that contradicts itself. Is Munsu a tough guy who fights for justice, or a bastard that needs to be convinced to help out. Story writers need to realize that you can’t have both. You can’t have an anti-hero saving the day. That’s an oxymoron. A hero could he a hard-ass, like Wolverine. An anti-hero’s actions could indirectly save the day, like the Punisher. But you can’t give your anti-hero heroic moments without diminishing his/her character (which is why so many anti-heroes die doing something heroic). There are too many times in this film where the story tries to set up a “oh, isn’t he a bad ass!” moment. For example, in one scene, Munsu wordlessly shots a crow full of people, much to the horror or an onlooker. When the spectator finally tries to stop him, Munsu explains his reasons, despite the fact that he could have done so on the walk over to the crowd. Overall, this felt like a long tv show rather than a movie, and the tv show sucked.

Watch it?: Noooooooooooooooooo.

MVP: Sando

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She, ah….she was tolerable

Best Moment: The ending (in that it ended this horrible film)

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Dragon Ball Z: Bio Broly [DBZ Movie Month]

Type: From Best to Worst

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Synopsis: vs. Broly’s Symbolic Status in the Franchise

Pros: I kid, I kid, Broly’s great. But at this point, the writers did not know what to do with him. So they had Trunk and Goteks fight him. I’ve heard rumors that at this point, Goteks was suppose to be the new protagonist of the franchise, so this might have been an attempt to push him and little Trunks. In this movie, a rich guy pays a bunch of scientists to recreate Broly, and fails miserably, leaving some sort of slug monsters instead. Mr. Satan (Hercule) is in this one, and provides a lot of solid jokes. Android 18 also picks up the slack, being super cool. I think I could have just watched the Android 18 adventures instead of this.

Cons: Bio Broly. What the hell was that!? And making little Trunks and Goteks the leads? That was a bad idea. Hercule and Android 18 were fun, and almost enough to carry the film, but not quiet. Unlike other movies, this doesn’t end with a big fight, and instead ends with Bio-slime threatening to take over the world. Until it’s discovered that that Bio Slime becomes harmless when expose to salt water, you know, that stuff that covers 70% OF THE EARTH. The film even has the audacity of ending with Goku being told that Broly is cause havok in Hell and it’s up to him to stop it. DON’T END A CRAP MOVIE WITH A COOL NON-SEQUEL.

Top 10 DBZ Movies: No

Villain: Bio-Broly

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Got Slimed

Best Moment: Android 18 (She’s such a bad-ass)

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Dragon Ball Z: Broly-Second Coming [DBZ Movie Month]

Type: Ghost Goku!

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Synopsis: vs. Everyone’s Fan Art, Again

Pros: So this movie was clearly just another excuse to use Broly again, most likely because he proved to be more popular. It’s set during the Buu Saga, so he get a Teenage Gohan, his girlfriend Videl, his little brother Goteks, and little Trunks. Now, I do like Teenage Gohan and Videl, with Videl getting most of the story and even getting a few hits in on Broly. Videl’s pretty cool, and more should have been done with her (like, in the entire Franchise). I like the match-up between Gohan and Broly, since both characters are described as having unlimited potential. I just wish that Gohan had beaten him without his dad’s help.

Cons: Once again, we get a story where the bad guy cannot be defeated without Goku’s help! Even if Goku is dead!! This leaves Gohan, once again, as the ultimate unfufilled promise. We get all these references of this kid supposedly being incredibly powerful, but when it comes down to it, he’s still behind Goku. That just really irks me. Most of the story involves Videl, Trunk’s, and Gotek’s search for the Dragon Balls. And if you don’t like bratty kids who literally pee on your favorite bad guy, you might want to steer clear. I mean, I thought it was funny, but fans of Broly might see it as very symbolic on what the writers think of him.

Top 10 DBZ Movies?: No

Villain: Broly

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In it for the paycheck

Best Moment: Trunk’s peeing on Broly (the more I think about it, the funnier it is)

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Trinity Blood

Type: I was expecting Hellsing, boy, was I disappointed.

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Synopsis: History tells us that after the fall of Rome, the Empire was divided in two. The west evolved into the Holy Roman Empire, while the east evolved into the Byzantine Empire. Both claimed to be the “true” Roman Empire and Head of the Faith, and they was some heated tension between the two for a few hundred years. But what history doesn’t tell us is that both Empires were full of Vampires, Gun-Priests, and Bad Writing.

Pros: I liked the general allusions to real world history. I liked the idea of a Vatican lead Human Empire fighting a Vampire lead Byzantine Empire. The show does a fair job at making the Vampires seem sympathetic, and making the some of the Humans seem aggressive. No side is perfect, and that’s exactly what this type of story needs. Both sides have people who have their own political agenda, and it’s those who want peace that have to work the hardest to achieve their goal. This is especially hard when their a “third power” that tries to play both sides off each other. I even liked the depiction of a weak-willed Pope, because history is riddled with weak Popes who often acted as puppets for cardinals. The socio-political themes of the show are it’s strongest points.

Cons: OK, maybe I just watched a bad copy, but I remember this show being a lot better looking. But now it looks cheap. The animation is not impressive at all. The story is not impressive at all. Certain plot points are glossed over or omitted, certain characters show up and leave, the pacing is all over the place, and the dialogue is embarrassing. Abel’s a pretty cool goofy repentant bad-ass character, unless you count the times where me melodramatically scrams for god to “FORGIVE ME.” And his entire backstory is given the briefest look at the very end of the series. He has brother named Kain (because of course he does), a sister named Lilith, another sister named Seth, and is some sort of super vampire from Mars. There, now you know. Ester started off strong, as a would-be assassin, but she just turns into a scream queen when her story arc is over. Their are several priests that are introduce, but nothing is really done with them once their intro episode is completed. The show generally has 2-3 episode arcs. And their is an excruciating middle arc involving this whiny little brat named Ion. SCREW ION. The show also alludes to some sort of big-war that resulted in the regression in history and birth of vampires (or “methuselah”), but the show never once explains it. Not even as a two minute thing at the start of the series! You have to gather it through osmosis. This anime is a blatant “you like the anime? Then you’d better read the light novels!” kind of deal. Luckily for me, I don’t have to do neither.

Watch it?: No. no. skip. skip. (3/5)

MVP: Ester

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She’s apparently funner in the manga

Best Episode: Ep.3 “The Star of Sorrow I. City of Blood”  (Ester appears)

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Senran Kagura: Ninja Flash

Type: Flashing what, I wonder? (hint: its their boobs)

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Synopsis: There are five girls. They are ninjas. They have big boobs. There’s also five other girls. They are evil ninja. They also have big boobs. They fight, sometimes they’re friends, and other times they like to grope each other. You know, classic shinobi story telling.

Pros: The animation is real nice. Not just because extra care was put into the breast bounces, but the actual action was decent. I watched the English version, and the narrator had fun pointing out that the show was clearly fan service central. The gags are fairly solid, in a sexy/dirty kind of way. Nothing spectacular, but not horrible either.

Cons: So this is a fairly standard fan service show. Let’s get that straight right now. THEY LOSE CLOTHING IF THEY ARE ATTACKED. If you’re not into that, then you can live without this show. Even as a occasional fan of fan service, the show didn’t impress me. The jokes weren’t that funny (except for one pretty solid one in ep.3). The story was bland, with the ultimate lesson being friendship. I did find the “distinction” between the good and evil schools of shinobi being pretty interesting, since the good seemed pretty strict on rules, while the evil seemed pretty non-judgemental. I also would have bet money that the annoying innocent girl would have turned out to be super evil, but alas, that was not the case.

Watch it?: *shrugging shoulders*  (3/5)

MVP: ??????

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You try finding a clean image on Google for this. Go on.

Best Episode: Ep.3 “Moonlight Intruder” (Surprisingly good fan service joke)

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King of Fighters: Another Day

Type: Are you O-K?

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Synopsis: Back in the 90’s, there was a momentary fighting game boom thanks to the popularity of Street Fighter 2. One of the most well-made challengers was the King of Fighters series, which was really a combination of other less successful games released by the company SNK. The anime itself tries to highlight some of the most popular characters, to varying degrees.
Pros: I truly believe that out of all types of games, Fighting games are the most anime friendly (with RPGs coming an immediate second). After all, fighting games are just two well dressed people with short back stories fighting each other. This anime has some of that. We see May, and Terry, and Geese’s kid show up and fight a little. If each episode weren’t so short, I could imagine this being a regular anime.
Cons: While I believe fighters and anime work well together, it’s usually only the animes that are turned into fighters. For some reason, the reverse almost never works out. Maybe it’s because fighters have too many characters, and most central plots are dumb (let’s be real, Shadoloo is dumb). In KOF’s case, the anime will only appeal to hardcore KOF fans, because I had no idea who 99% of these people were. The story is nowhere, consisting mostly of character interactions, which again, only matters if you understand who they are to one another. Even then, the events are weak.
Watch it?: Even KOF fans will complain (2/5) 
MPV: Terry Bogart
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Hey, get serious!
Best episode: too short to remember
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Rurouni Kenshin: Reflection (OVA)

Type: I don’t even, no.

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Synopsis: Set in a horrible future we’ll call Earth-616, our once heroic protagonist abandons his family because he felt guilty over having a happy life and, and..no. You know what, no. I’m not doing this. SCREW THIS OVA.

Pros: There’s this part were Kauro tries to get Kenshin to give her leprosy by having sex. That’s so stupid that it makes me smile.

Cons: Jesus, where do I begin? This is a big, melodramatic, pile of lackluster storytelling. Everyone looks weird and the trademark action sequences are no where to be seen. And everything looks kinda grey. This thing totally missed the mark on the original source material. Why would Kenshin leave his family over guilt if the last arc of the manga specifically dealt with Kenshin getting over his guilt. That was the entire point of the fucking story. I’m sorry if this sounds like a rant, but it really upsets me that this story is considered canon by some people. Because it’s not. This is not how Kenshin’s story ends. This is not how the franchise ends. I refuse.

Watch it!?: Burn it.

MVP: No

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No

Best Moment: The Leprosy Sex Thing.

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Hayate the Combat Butler! Heaven is a Place on Earth

Type: In my day, movies were a lot longer

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Synopsis: Hayate and crew go on vacation. It’s hot. The ghost of Hayate’s grandmother shows up. I’m not really sure why this was called a movie, but hey, just go with it.

Pros: I like Hayate.

Cons: What constitutes a movie? Websters defines a movie as a recording of moving images that tell a story. But by that definition, commercials and television shows are movies. We could limit the definition to recordings that only show up in theaters, but that would still count trailers and teasers. To me, a movie has to be longer than an hour, and it has to tell a story you can’t really tell in any other medium. The Hayate movie fails on both counts. It feels more like an hour long special to an especially dull episode of the anime. It’s very slow, and the story is practically non-existent.  It lacks any of the original humor of the show in favor of a semi-emotional story that never really takes off. Yes, it was interesting to meet Hayate’s grandmother, but it was more interesting to believe that his entire family were just his comedically greedy parents. I know that anime movies traditionally like to break out and explore new story conventions, but this definitely felt like a step in the wrong direction.

Watch it?: No.

MVP: Someone

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I’m pretty sure someone was it.

Best Moment: The scenes between Hinagiku and Hayate were still cute

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Qwaser of Stigmata

Type: It’s Basically Porno

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Synopsis: So…much…boob sucking….

Pros: There’s a solid action series here. Don’t give me that look, there really is! The whole story is about semi-religious organizations fighting for holy relics using elemental powers based on the Periodic Table. I love that stuff. Iron, Mercury, Gold, I think Helium makes an appearance. And I will admit that some of jokes are pretty funny. Breast Puppet Theater has some serious potential.

Cons: This is so sexual. It’s fucking too much. It is so offensive towards women, it makes Larry Flint look like Gloria Steinem. This show literally has weaponized breast feeding. That’s a thing. That’s a thing in this show that people use as a power up. Something that characters violently crave. That’s not fan service, that’s straight up smut. Everything has an uncomfortable SVU undertone to it. I’ve seen a lot of anime, but this is one of the few that’s embarrassed me.

Watch it!?: I’m either incredibly objective or really generous. (2/5)

MVP: I don’t know. Boobs I guess.

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There are a lot of them.

Best Episode: Ep.14 “The Melancholy of Miyuri Tsujido” (except for the ending. Goddam it Qwaser)

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